do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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