I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
