When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
