How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
