guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
