I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
