I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
