My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Alive.
So much puke
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
