oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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