I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
