you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize