So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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