somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize