Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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