I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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