i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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