turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
