it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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