meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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