did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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