I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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