i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he thought i was a dude.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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