Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
