You're my little dorito
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
