I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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