Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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