you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
