community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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