I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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