my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
