i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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