If i come over, it means nothing
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
