is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My vagina is very pro this idea
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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