What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We named our party play list daddy issues
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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