I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize