It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
