that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
