she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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