I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
