i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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