I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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