I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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