also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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