Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
