Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
