what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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