a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
