I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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