Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
