Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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