Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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