Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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