pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
