she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
