omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize