So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize