how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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