dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
